Lucius and the Secret Sandwich
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: Lucius gets caught indulging in a midnight snack. He has no choice afterwards, but to introduce the intruder to a delightful type of sandwich. Humor. Follows "The Drinks that Muggles Make."


**Author's Note:** _An early New Year's present to you, readers! This is Part 5 of the Lucius Malfoy Series. (The first story in the series is "Unwilling Taste Testers." Second is "Trick or Treat." Third: "Secret Dessert." And fourth: "The Drinks that Muggles Make.") Once again, this developed through a rambling discussion with Artemis Arcturus. Hope everyone enjoys the story and the New Year! ~ RK _

**Lucius and the Secret Sandwich**

Draco Malfoy woke up to a creaking floorboard down the hallway, followed by a muffled word that abruptly stopped the long creaking sound. He waited for another moment in his bed, listening for another sound. When it finally came, it seemed to come from quite a distance further than the floorboard's location. He heard the tiny sound of tinkling and doors closing. By that point, Draco decided that he'd had enough of trying to figure out whether or not someone was somehow invading the house, or if Dobby had snuck back in a twisted attempt to assassinate his father once and for all. He flung his covers off of himself and decided to see for himself what it was that was making those obnoxious noises.

He managed to make his way all the way through the majority of the house before he finally found the source of the disturbance. And when he located it, he wasn't sure if he should laugh or just quietly walk away and let things be.

Unfortunately, the former won out, because quite frankly the image of his father in his leisurely – but rather heavy and warm – black robe, trying to hide himself as much as was physically, or even magically, possible in what seemed to be a hidden cabinet in the kitchen was simply too hilarious to ignore. His father's long blonde hair was a mess, which was odd enough. What made the entire thing even stranger was that Draco was almost positive that his father was either talking to himself quietly…or moaning to himself. However, once he tried to unsuccessfully stifle his laughter, his father whirled around to face him…

…with one hand holding the handle of a spoon, the other end of which was in his father's mouth. In his other hand was a jar with some sort of label on it. Lucius stared at his son with wide eyes that made Draco understand for the first time what the mudbloods in Hogwarts meant when they said the phrase "a deer in the headlights." He would wager that said deer would have the same expression as his father at that moment.

"Father," Draco whispered, "what are you doing?"

Lucius removed the spoon from his mouth. "Severus informed me that you could live for quite some time on this concoction." He looked at the label on the jar in his other hand. "Peanut butter, apparently." He looked back at Draco as he stuck the spoon in the jar to scoop out some more. "I've decided to test the theory in order to eat as little of your mother's cooking as possible."

Draco watched in fascination as his father revealed the spoonful of creamy brownish food and slowly, indulgently, stuck it in his mouth. The look on his father's face reminded him of the time they'd all shared the secret cream puffs, and the younger blonde found his mouth watering. He took a hesitant step forward. "Can I play, too?"

With the spoon still firmly in his mouth, Lucius drew his wand with his now free hand and, with an elaborate flourish, conjured another spoon. Without a word, yet, he silently offered it to his son. When Draco took it, Lucius freed his mouth of the spoon. "By all means." He offered the jar's opening to Draco, who scooped a small spoonful out as a taste test. "Severus agreed to continue to send it to us if we need some more." As Draco was working the peanut butter off of the spoon with his tongue reminiscent of a lollipop from Honeydukes, Lucius continued to talk, enthusiastically spooning out some more for himself. "He knows that over my dead body, Draco, will I even think to venture out to a Muggle supermarket for this." With that, Lucius inhaled the mouthful of peanut butter as efficiently as a Dementor sucking out someone's soul.

Lucius finished his spoonful before Draco did. The older Malfoy looked again at the label on the jar appreciatively. "Although," he said in a cheery conversational tone, "I must say, it could very well be the best thing that muggle scum has ever produced in the history of muggles and mudbloods combined!" He stuck his spoon in again for one more spoonful, watching Draco out of the corner of his eye. "What do you think, Draco?"

Draco felt like he was in Heaven. "It's wonderful, Father."

They continued to eat the peanut butter right out of the jar for a few more silent minutes. Then, Lucius and Draco looked into the half-empty jar thoughtfully. "Perhaps, Draco, I could ask Severus to stop and pick us up the other varieties of this. He mentioned there was…I think it was…semi-crunchy. And maybe even _very_ crunchy."

Draco nodded. "It may break up the monotony of this one, Father."

"Who? Me or the peanut butter?"

Draco stared into the jar for a second, then looked at Lucius. "Both," he declared. They nodded at each other, then both reached their spoons into the jar.

In the distance they heard the flaring of the floo. Both father and son tensed, hoping it wasn't one of Narcissa's friends or something that would find them secretly indulging in peanut butter and tell her. They did not move a muscle, not even to blink. Then, they heard something terrible.

Footsteps!

They both glued their eyes to the door to the kitchen waiting for discovery. It seemed inevitable. Sooner or later they both knew that Narcissa would find out about their secret food stash.

The footsteps were coming closer and father and son dared not move. They saw a shadow growing on the floor! And then Death walked into the kitchen. They both let out a breath of relief they did not even know they were holding in. After the two Malfoy men finally comprehended that it wasn't a threat that had entered the kitchen, they realized that the handles of a bag were clenched in Death's jaws. "What do you have, there, Death?"

Draco went up to their skinny dog and pried the bag from his jaws, earning a growl for his efforts. Lucius walked up to stand beside him, the jar of peanut butter still in one hand. Draco opened the bag and looked inside. "There's a note, Father." He reached in and pulled it out, reading the tidy but spiky scrawl. "'You should try to combine the items in this bag to make a sandwich. It was a childhood favorite of mine, and it's always a good choice when one is in a tight spot in terms of food options. Good luck with evading Narcissa's cooking. Signed, Severus Snape.'"

Lucius wasted no time in sticking his hand right into the bag that Draco still held and pulled out the indicated items. "This is like Christmas, Draco!" The first item he took out was another bag with a pre-sliced loaf of bread. He put it on the kitchen's food preparation island. He shoved his hand into the bag again and pulled out the second item. He read the label. 'Grape Jelly.' He put it down on the little island next to the bread. Then, he set the jar of peanut butter down next to the other two items.

They both stared at the items, not exactly sure how to proceed.

Draco dared to break the silent contemplation. "I'm just going to put the jelly and peanut butter together on the bread. See what happens." Draco set to work on making the sandwich. Lucius watched him carefully, trying to offer a suggestion on how to properly spread the creamy peanut butter on the bread, which only earned him a glare from his son and a rather viciously snarled, "If you want to tell me how to make this thing, then make one for yourself your way!"

Lucius was not one to back down from a challenge. He picked up a knife and set to work on making a much more appealing sandwich than his son. He even made a small sandwich for Death. It wouldn't be right not to give the faithful dog a little reward for bringing them this goodie bag before Narcissa could discover it on the floor the next morning. Lucius allowed Death to sit on one of the tall stools near the island.

Finally, it was the moment of truth. All three of them stared at their respective sandwiches. And then as one, Lucius, Draco, and Death took their first bite ever of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

The reactions were equally delighted. "Oh, Draco! This is fantastic!" Lucius began to take his next bite before he'd even swallowed the first.

Draco only nodded with a smile as he swallowed. Once his throat cleared he spoke. "Oh, I agree, Father." He took another bite.

Death had shown his delight with the sandwich by drooling all over his smaller version of the sandwich.

Several minutes later, Lucius was putting the sandwich items back in the bag from Snape and stashing it in the hidden cabinet. Draco was propping his head up with his hands, a content smile spreading on his face. Death was unmoving save for his sighs of contentment, and his tongue flopped out of his mouth, touching the surface of the island countertop, in total satisfaction. Lucius lowered himself back into his high stool chair and joined in the blissful post-snack enjoyment. He broke the silence after a little reflection time. "Now, boys, this has to stay our little secret! Your mother," he said to Draco. "Narcissa," he clarified for Death. "She cannot know about this. Are we all agreed?"

"Yes, Father."

Death gave a satisfied little sound, which Lucius took as agreement. He knew that Death was trustworthy. After all, he never blabbed about the cream puff all that time ago. He didn't think the dog would go barking about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich any time soon.

"Good," said Lucius, satisfied.

~X~X~X~X~X~

"Are you serious, Father?" asked the youngest Malfoy at the dining room table.

Draco Malfoy, now a father himself, looked at his son from his task of spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread. "Scorpius, have I ever lied about the things I used to get up to with your grandfather?"

Scorpius looked doubtfully at his father. He chose instead to focus his attention on his grandfather, who sat at the head of the table. "Is that story true, Grandfather?"

Lucius chuckled as he picked up his own sandwich and took his first bite. "Every word of that – despite it sounding like complete nonsense now – is completely true, Scorpius."

Draco finished making the sandwich and set it on the plate in front of his young and impressionable son. "It really is the best thing that muggles ever invented, son."

Scorpius looked at it skeptically. Draco picked up his own sandwich and took his first bite. Scorpius watched as his father and grandfather chewed on the food with nostalgic smiles on their faces. Then, he stared at the unimpressive sandwich in front of him. He looked once more at his father and grandfather. Both of them were looking at him with expectant expressions – their eyebrows were raised a little on their faces. Making it as dramatic as possible, Scorpius took a firm grip on the sandwich causing some of the jelly to ooze out from between the bread slices and plop back onto his plate. Opening his mouth unnecessarily wide, Scorpius dramatized for his father and grandfather the moment of him first biting into this apparently heavenly sandwich.

Then, time stopped and Scorpius froze in his chair. His eyes darted up to his father's, which were sparkling in delight. Then, Scorpius offered his father a hesitant smile and then a nod as he resumed chewing.

He did not miss the shared look between his father and grandfather.

All three of them, each of a different generation, ate the remainder of their sandwiches in quiet agreement. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were the best things made by muggles…ever!

**Note:** _Hope everyone enjoyed this. I had fun writing it. Keep flames to yourself if you review. Thank you! ~ RK _


End file.
